Day 106...

Yeah, so I took a cap today. It really does help with pain. Speaking of pain, this stupid blog is a pain. I'm not really into, but I don't know how to quit it. Maybe this'll just be my last post.

Day 105...

So I didn't take a C today. Still felt the side effects, flatulence, loss of appetite, and also the side effects of withdrawal, tiredness and headaches. Fascinating.

Day 104...

Took another C today. Man, what a great appetite suppressant. It does work on pain too. Helped with a calmer overall mood as well. Nice.

Day 103

So I popped a C this morning, and lemme tell ya, if you've been off it for a while, then you take a cap, you really feel it. Not sure if I'll take another in the morning. We'll check our pain inventory and see.

Day 102...

Think I may just pop a C tomorrow for pain relief, so I'll be back.

Day 101...

This is silly. I should stop. But I fear change.

Day 100...

This might be it, the last post. We'll see.

Day Ninety-nine...

This blog will soon be at an end, OCD permitting. Thanks to anyone who read it and might have found the slightest bit of interest in it.

Day Ninety-eight...

Forced myself to go out today, but traffic was a pain, and I wasted a lot of time. I hope I won't do it tomorrow.

Day Ninety-seven...

Today felt like I was a PMSing little bitch. I feel overwhelmed with loneliness, a profound dread of the future, and a really strong sadness. I feel afraid that I'm starting to become really forgetful and clumsy and that that signifies the approach of some new and awful terror. Today for the first time in a long time I wished I had a C, to numb the pain. Better to feel nothing than to feel bad all the time.

Day Ninety-six...

Missed a post yesterday. So what? Didn't take the C again. I was having some fun for a change. If not for my OCD I would have finished up here a while ago, but I get how I get sometimes, and it's hard for me to change my obsessive behaviors and/or thought patterns. Wish I lived in California, where you can be legally prescribed pot for anxiety and depression.

Day Ninety-four...

No pill. Back ache and anxiety are somewhat returning. Have had a number of cigarettes in the last couple days, so that may account for anxiety. Will cut back tomorrow and take a klonipin too.

Day Ninety-three

I can't make a simple decision to save my life. I haven't taken the Big C pill for a long time and I've been doing okay, but now that ache, that longterm, mysterious ache in my back is coming back again. Frankly, I didn't miss it, and I hate that it's coming back. The physical pain might be the only thing that makes me return to the Big C, since it sure as fuck doesn't help with depression.

Day Ninety-two...

I haven't taken a Cymbalta since I don't know when. I may take one or two anecdotally, but I'm pretty done. Maybe it's time to wrap this thing up once and for all.

Day Ninety-one...

Haven't taken the pill for a while. The "withdrawal" for me was very mild. We'll see.

Day Ninety...

Wow, three months! And I've only taken it for two or less. Whoop dee doo. I think I'll take it once a week. It's not just how the medicine works, it's how we perceive it to work!

Day Eighty-nine...

Total insomnia last night. Maybe slept 3 hours tops. Took no pill today lest it send me into a murderous rage. Now time for sleep.

Day Eighty-eight...

No pill today. Saw another add for Cymbalta on TV. Same old bullshit: even the commercial plays up how it helps with bodyaches and pains and downplays how it helps actual depression itself. I'll bet you half the depressed people out there on medication are on meds because of the fucking media anyway. "If you're not a fabulous celebrity moviestar multimillionaire with killer abs, then there's something wrong with your life, you depressed loser. Here, we got this crap we're not even sure works, but take it anyway, maybe it'll make you feel better about your miserable life."

Day Eighty-seven...

The thing that sucks about Cymbalta, for me, is that it really does work well on the body aches and pains that "come from depression." It works well and it works fast. The other stuff it's supposed to do, to help you with, ehhhh, not so good. But now I'm trying to exercise more and get out into the light more often, so maybe that'll help overall. Also, I'm taking DHEA, which is a surprisingly effective med you can buy without a prescription. I just hope it doesn't give me manboobs or something.

Day Eighty-six...

Today was a very stressful day, not at all related to the meds. Just the ordinary tensions of life.