Day Ninety-nine...

This blog will soon be at an end, OCD permitting. Thanks to anyone who read it and might have found the slightest bit of interest in it.

Day Ninety-eight...

Forced myself to go out today, but traffic was a pain, and I wasted a lot of time. I hope I won't do it tomorrow.

Day Ninety-seven...

Today felt like I was a PMSing little bitch. I feel overwhelmed with loneliness, a profound dread of the future, and a really strong sadness. I feel afraid that I'm starting to become really forgetful and clumsy and that that signifies the approach of some new and awful terror. Today for the first time in a long time I wished I had a C, to numb the pain. Better to feel nothing than to feel bad all the time.

Day Ninety-six...

Missed a post yesterday. So what? Didn't take the C again. I was having some fun for a change. If not for my OCD I would have finished up here a while ago, but I get how I get sometimes, and it's hard for me to change my obsessive behaviors and/or thought patterns. Wish I lived in California, where you can be legally prescribed pot for anxiety and depression.

Day Ninety-four...

No pill. Back ache and anxiety are somewhat returning. Have had a number of cigarettes in the last couple days, so that may account for anxiety. Will cut back tomorrow and take a klonipin too.

Day Ninety-three

I can't make a simple decision to save my life. I haven't taken the Big C pill for a long time and I've been doing okay, but now that ache, that longterm, mysterious ache in my back is coming back again. Frankly, I didn't miss it, and I hate that it's coming back. The physical pain might be the only thing that makes me return to the Big C, since it sure as fuck doesn't help with depression.

Day Ninety-two...

I haven't taken a Cymbalta since I don't know when. I may take one or two anecdotally, but I'm pretty done. Maybe it's time to wrap this thing up once and for all.